Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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