I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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