I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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