Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
