6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
