I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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