I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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