Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
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