i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
