You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
