when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You are the jesus of drinking
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
