I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
