and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
