I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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