Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
