just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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