I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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