My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Two words: blizzard sex
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
