this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
