i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
