why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
