it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
