I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
