My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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