Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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