I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
