People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
