I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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