I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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