party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
