I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
