Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
the day after is always just damage control
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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