The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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