what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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