You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
