I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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