Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
