Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
