The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
God, you're like boner-b-gone
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
