I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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