i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
