fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
