remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
