i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
