Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
