:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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