just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
