It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
