Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
