I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
