I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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