I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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