he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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