Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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