You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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