Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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