Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
