hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
